President Hanlon Releases Moving Dartmouth Forward Decision a Day Early in Anticipation of Thursday Hangover

Due to what he is calling a complete oversight on his part, President Hanlon has decided to release his decision regarding the Greek System on Wednesday, citing his inability to ever get anything productive done on Thursdays. “I always go out on Wednesday nights. Sometimes I go to meetings, then post-meetings tails, and then I go out after tails, so I like to block off my entire Thursday to recover,” says Hanlon. Hanlon recalled one occasion when he met with an important donor on a Thursday morning, and had to leave in the middle of the meeting to go throw up. “It was not a good scene, bro,” he recalls. “Thursdays are just not a good day to make a big announcement like this one.”

Hanlon’s actual statement was as follows: “Yeah, the Greek System. Keep it. It’s fun. Anyone who doesn’t think so needs to loosen up and smoke a jay or something. Let’s abolish 10A’s, am I right?”


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