Breaking News: No Frats Are Fun

It was definitively determined yesterday that fraternity parties are not fun
for anybody. After years of every Dartmouth student believing that they were the
only one not having fun, investigators found that in fact nobody is having fun. This
should come as a relief to many Dartmouth students, some of whom have been
attending frat parties for as many as three years, and who now may begin the
process of finding something more worthwhile to do with their weekends.
Our team of investigators entered Tri-Kap fraternity on Friday October 6 th
after receiving a blitz promising free beer and cider, and found that most of the
people at the party did not actually want to be there.

“This is lame. Let’s go to Psi U,” said one student, a member of the class of

“My trip leader can get us on table at Alpha Chi,” remarked a member of the
class of 2016.

Most of the students interviewed expressed little to no interest in the party
they were currently attending, and people were filing out as quickly as they were
filing in.

Our investigators discovered the same phenomenon at Psi Upsilon. Although
at first it seemed like the party was bustling with activity, they soon realized that all
the people running back and forth were actually just looking for the friends they had
come in with so that they could make their exit without leaving anybody behind.
Over the loud music, shouts rang out around the room of, “We’re going to AD!”
and “Come with us to TDX!”

In every fraternity we entered, more of the same. At Chi Heorot fraternity,
we asked many students directly whether they were having fun. Jane Doe, a
member of the class of 2014, informed us: “Tonight is kind of dead! AD is dead,
Heorot is dead, everywhere is dead tonight.” We asked her if she was planning on
heading home to get a good night’s sleep, since at this time it was almost 1 AM, but
she replied, “No, I think I’m gonna check out TDX!”

~ by Lily Brown


4 thoughts on “Breaking News: No Frats Are Fun

  1. James Polk says:

    Oh, boy. This is a hoot! Wait until I show this to my son, who insists that going Greek is the only way for a “college man.”

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